This travel blog will hit a bit different because traveling to India is as much an emotional journey as a physical one. Our plan was to spend 3 weeks in Mumbai and 3 weeks in Coochbehar (my and my husband’s hometowns, respectively). A rather arduous journey that I planned to take alone with baby since my husband was out of leaves. So strap in. We’re going on an adventure!
Becoming a ‘real’ mother
I undertook this journey to make sure my baby meets her big fat Indian family and they meet her while she is still a baby. And I had some time during the long maternity leave. When else will we get to celebrate Diwali together? But invariably, traveling half way around the world with a 9-month-old for two months was going to present me all the opportunities to evolve into a ‘real’ mother.
Let me explain. Honestly, every mom has deep seated doubts about their mothering capabilities. I did so too because I have been stressing way too much and making super conservative decisions about her. For example, right at the start of the maternity leave, I had to call my husband back from work two days in a row because I was so stressed out about some (benign) observations about baby’s health, that it physically exhausted me by noon.
This is not what a sustainably good mothering looks like, in my head. Yes, this is probably some bit of postpartum depression or anxiety, but I don’t like feeling helpless about things, let alone my own baby. And I have always held that being a mother is more than just making sure that baby survives. It is about making happy memories, inspiring and being a pillar of strength for her. And I can’t be any of those if I’m afraid for her all the time.
It was time to really become a mother to my child. Take care of her on my own, making her happy through it and introduce her to her mother’s land!
The Flight
We flew the Air India non-stop 17.5 hours from SF to Mumbai on this trip. My husband got us business class tickets as a push gift and also to ensure that his daughter gets the best in class experience!
And I cannot recommend business class enough if traveling alone with a baby. Air India’s crew was exceptionally accommodating and the other flyers in all classes were sympathetic to my situation and offered all the help they could – stowing my bags, playing peekaboo with baby and giving me food ‘whenever the baby allowed’ for it.
Our 17.5 hours went by in no time, barring the last hour or so, when baby was exceptionally bored, and tired. She walked in the aisles, ate food, sang songs, played with all the new people and slept fine in the fully reclined luxury. The three things I did to prep for this journey was
- I drank and ate very little – I only needed to use the loo twice when baby was sleeping so someone could watch over her.
- I brought toys she could engage with while sitting. I observed and experimented with some toys and books during the month before. And ordered new ones in the same vein as the toys she loved. It was important that I could predict and supply for her needs while in a limited space for the whole day.
- I rested in whatever fashion I could, because both of us didn’t fit on the recliner and because baby was going to need me to be active the whole 20 hours or so until we get home! So if I could rest just my eyes or just my neck, I did. This was not the trip to watch a movie or do tiktoks.
Hindsight I wish I had taken wheelchair assistance to reduce time to immigration and get help at the conveyor belt but rectified this on the trip back!
Going back in time
We reached Mumbai completely spent, yet entirely excited! I grew up in the suburbs of Mumbai in a 2 bedroom apartment with marble flooring, lots of sunlight and two very very devoted parents. It was surreal to see my baby attempting to walk on the same floor and get loved by the same mom!
Surprisingly, baby took to the Mumbai apartment, immediately. Maybe it was being restrained for so long on the flight from SF or maybe she remembered my mom-dad from when they were babysitting her for 3 months. Either way, she was all walk and no sleep for the first couple of hours when we reached home. And for the next couple days, that was true for all members of the household. Mom spent a lot of time in the kitchen making pure ghee, butter, khichdi and sweets for baby. Dad spent a lot of time going out getting fresh coconut water or fruits or whatever else he could think of. My favorite was watching mom and baby on the window sill talking to all the pigeons of Mumbai on their morning routine. Baby especially loved going on walks with dad to feed fresh grass to the cows. Baby and I forgot all care in the world and giggled and ran around the house the whole time, both getting all the love anyone could ask for. All of a sudden, all the dusty memories of watching the first Harry Potter while mom made puris, or of lying on the couch with my head in dad’s lap came flooding back. It took all my strength to not cry.
Of course I was tired. and it was hot as hell in Mumbai. But can you imagine getting to see a glimpse of your own childhood? And I have mentioned in a blog before but my mom is a wizard with kids – baby bonded immediately with Aaji, and they were inseparable the whole time we were in Mumbai! My baby (and I) cried oceans when it was time to say bye to Aaji.
While in Mumbai as well as in Coochbehar, I realized that I wasn’t the only one relieving my childhood. Although both sets of parents had been with baby before, baby was now at an age where she was moving about, showing her personality. Both sets of parents were seeing their own child’s image in baby as well. Both kept finding similarities in the way their own baby crinkled their nose or ate butter with delight as my baby brought wave and waves of happy memories to each house. Our parents got a couple of weeks of re-raising their own baby in their own home again. It was heartwarming to witness.
Sasural vs Mayka
So after Mayka, I hopped on a second 3 hour flight to my Sasural. Maa-baba were waiting anxiously to get us home – and of course maa had prepared a whole host of food for me and baby for the additional 5 hours from the airport to our home. I mention this journey because I want to give a shout out to my baby for being a real soldier through the whole trip. She was relentless, absolutely unfettered by all of the traveling, the change in water, food, language and people! She loved meeting everyone, and not one day went by when she didn’t zoom around like a butterfly – her footsteps pittering-pattering across cities bringing joy and life wherever she went.
My sasural is a 2 storey home replete with a terrace full of plants, flowers and vegetables. And my baby is the first grandchild in the De home, so it was buzzing with activity the whole time we were there! Maa was forever in the kitchen making everything we love – momos, paranthas, ice creams – you name it! And Maa’s energy is feverish and contagious. So even with baby, we found ways to get dressed in sarees and roam the DurgoPujo pandals, visit relatives and have relatives/friends over for feasts! My baby enjoyed having baths in the open, on the roof, eating her first fish (basically a baptism to become a true Bengali!) the various cows, dogs and goats on the street and the never-ending stream of love from her grandparents and Kakai (although it took a few days for her to let anyone near her, which was an emotional blow for everyone waiting so ardently to hold her)
P.S. we got a surprise visit from baby’s dada during this leg of the trip. My husband couldn’t bear to be so far for so long and it was amazing to have the whole family at home during the festive time. True bliss made its way home this Diwali.
At my sasural, I got to learn amazing new Bengali rhymes, stories and foods for my baby! I was there to merge the Marathi and Bengali baby raising styles. And it was fun to see the differences in those styles! It helped me understand my husband a bit more too.
A good one was the trust people put in the baby – For example, my mayka believes that the baby knows when she is full. So if she is not eating, she is done. And a little undereating is okay, since she will just ask for more later. Or if baby doesn’t want to go to someone’s arms, that is okay. We will just try again later.
Vs my Sasural believes that the baby doesn’t yet have the faculties to assess if she is full. And a little overeating is okay, since she is going to burn the calories very quickly. Or if she doesn’t want to go to someone, it just means she is afraid and we have to show her that there is nothing to be afraid of.
My mayka believes in giving the baby a bath with slightly hotter water, my sasural slightly colder water. My mayka is a vegetarian family, My Sasural is a primarily fish-eating family. My mayka plans very few visits. My sasural is open to all the relatives and friends at all times! My mayka is a nuclear family so the baby is the sole focus of anybody’s life. My sasural is a huge family and the baby is a VIP, but part of the whole pack. The list goes on and on!
The common thread is that the families gave their whole and soul to the baby (and me). Not a day went by when someone wasn’t making my/baby’s favorite food, or bringing her a gift. Or taking her for a walk so I could get rest. And the other common thread is that both families produced kids who are doing well and chose each other to be married to. So, I loved adding this exposure of styles for my baby. I know with certainty that she is going to turn out a fine lady with the right balance and deeply rooted knowledge of how much her families love her, if I can keep bringing her to both homes through her growing years!
An Experience of a lifetime
I’m so happy to report that I’m coming back from this trip wholly confident in my abilities to take care for my child! My baby and I had an absolutely gala time, dressing up, dancing, eating our way through Navratri, Durgo Pujo and Diwali. I carried her, swayed her, held her, fed her, played with her all she wanted. And I was pleased to realize that I did not run out of fuel!
There were times when I was bone tired or in my head about baby’s health again. For example, I was feeding her, all while my head was swirling in her symptoms (she had a mild fever) and next steps. I remember pulling myself back, she needed me to be more. My worry cannot become her problem. So no matter how worried, this trip, I smiled my widest and sang to her. No matter how tired, I became a horse and elephant and cat and everything in between. And baby lapped it up. More and more of everything I did landed. We were attached at the hip.
I reveled in this euphoric time; made all the more special because she is going to grow out of this, out of me all too soon. She will step into the world, make new friends, start a life outside of me. I will restart my career and although she will always be my priority, who knows when I get to spend so much time so close to her! I will cherish this trip forever and look back on it often as me and my daughter go through our ups and downs in life, as that trip that bonded us beyond words, beyond worlds. This trip was, indeed, one for the books.
Oof, what a ride, what a ride! Highly recommend!
P.S. This was only possible because my parents and my parents-in-law took care of everything else! Nobody asked me to lift a single finger to cook or clean. Nobody made nagging comments and everybody wrapped me in blankets and blankets of supportive, encouraging words.
Thoughts on the edge 