I am as new to this as she is. Kindness and Perserverence bear our weight.
Postpartum is definitely one of the hardest things I have done. It descends on you all too suddenly, that within the span of 24 hours, you went from a worry-free individual to a very very worried parent. Especially the first two weeks (more if you have had a c-section), you are dealing with a battered body while trying to do all you can to keep your baby alive. And when I say your baby, I mean something so precious that it physically hurts you when she is unhappy. Even with a mostly uneventful delivery like mine, the stitches, the chapped nipples, the constipation and sleeplessness get to you.
So the only thing that kept me going was that my husband and in-laws had taken ownership of taking care of the house, the food and the baby, so I could sleep 10+ hours a day and focus on getting better and on spending time the rest of the time with my baby; Which brings me to my first tip/hack
Acknowledge and nurture the relationships you have with your family. These bonds are indespensible during the disorienting time that is postpartum
Learning 1 (General life learning): I have had folks recommend a nanny instead of grandparents because then you can be fully in control. But my experience compels me to share, that nobody cares for the baby quite like baby’s own grandparents. Let that joy and excitement into your home. Grandparents are a blessing to the baby and parents. No amount of theory can prepare you for postpartum or raising a newborn, but if you’re lucky enough to have that strong familial support, it is a lot easier to bounce back from or avoid PPD altogether. If push comes to shove, you can do it alone, but you don’t have to! Try to bind the family together. Live life a little differently than you are used to. They might have a different outlook on parenting but they brought you and your partner up, they’ll do just fine with your baby too. So have faith, and let baby soak up all the love she gets from her grandparents.
Aside from feeding the baby, I realized I wasn’t all that great at ‘working the baby’, if you will. And truly, even the feeding bit wasn’t A+. My husband was amazing at burping our baby. My Mother-in-law could calm the baby down from raging cries. And dad-in-law was non-stop on carrying baby around till she fell asleep. I could barely carry her for 10 min before my arms and back gave out. It seemed that everyone had a leg up on me and I was just a shitty mother.
That is, until last week. Which brings to what I think is my most important learning/hack for postpartum
Learning 2: Assuming that the goal is to be a ‘good mother’, whatever your definition of it is, it is crucial to show up. As a parent you can get overwhelmingly sad when your baby is crying or worried that you are bad at soothing her. Sometimes you feel like maybe your efforts don’t matter, or you don’t know what you’re doing, or simply that you cannot watch her in pain. Don’t give in to the urge to pass the baby off to ‘someone better’ for that time. I cried inconsolably when she got a vaccine. There was a part of me that wanted to run from the room so I wouldn’t have to see her hurt. But she is my baby. I am not optional in her life, so no matter how difficult it is for me, or how horrible or ineffective or incompetent I feel, I will show up. In my head, what makes this easier is to not hold myself to unrealistic standards. So I will do what I can, how much ever my tired body allows, hold her, try different things, observe her patterns, see if somebody else is doing something that helps her. And hopefully, I will get better. But I will not pass her off I will be there, even if the only thing I can do is hold her hand.
Your only real test as a parent in the first few weeks, may be even later: Did you show up?
And you do get better. I had this moment last week where only I knew what she needed. And I kept knowing her more and she kept recognizing my voice, my smell, my body a bit more too. So she immediately calmed or even smiled and laughed when I held her close after no one else could help her. These are the moments in your postpartum journey, when you realize you don’t have to do or be anything to be happy. It is surreal, like you are right on the crest of life’s biggest wave. The wave will crash, things will go wrong, but just in those moments you are untouchable.
I can honestly now say that my baby and I have started to learn each other. And the learning process is ceaseless, because she is changing every single day. Her physical attributes, her patterns and needs are all ramping up. Similarly, you are changing too. Your body is healing, your milk supply is changing, your sleep patterns are evolving and even psychologically, you are becoming more mother than not.
And one of my primary learnings as I become more the mumma I set out to be:
I cannot fight her battles for her, I can only support her while she battles them herself.
Learning 3: This lesson arrived in a densely packed diaper. Apparently, newborns have to learn the skill of pooping. To adults it is nothing, but to a new life, it is a complex process of tightening and loosening certain muscles that newborns learn overtime. And our baby spent hours sometimes, straining, struggling and crying to poop. Hours! I felt horrified, like if I could I’d poop for her. But the doctor strongly advised us against intervening (some parents do) in her process of pooping, since this was a key skill she needed to learn. So I could only carry her, massage her stomach and soothe her to the best of my ability. And after hours of going red in the face, she finally did it – and promptly fell asleep in the wake of a newly mastered skill. We celebrated with a nap ourselves.
Which brings me to…
Learning 4: Life moves really really fast post partum and it moves in one direction. It moves fast, primarily because you don’t have chill time to reflect, stare screens or gaze into nothing. Baby needs you every 3 hours for a whole hour. While you still need to cook, eat, sleep, shower and maybe even go to work in the same 24 hours you had before. And seeing how much me and my baby have changed, in just under a month, I can confirm that this newborn PP phase is short-lived and will pass soon. But it will pass to a new normalcy. Baby is learning a whole host of new behaviors, changing looks and mastering new skills every waking moment. You are developing new skills and changing your own patterns as well. All building on each other to create a strong family unit that loves and functions well together. So find sustainability in your activities. Like if you’re pumping/breastfeeding, upgrade to a station that supports your back. Dedicate a diapering zone that doesn’t drench the carpet. Instill behaviors that help keep the house in order.
Inculcate a growth mindset. The motherhood journey is a one way street. There is no going back to the way things were.
And do your best to enjoy the moment. Be kind to your husband and yourself. There is so much joy to be had with a little munchikin creating chaos in the house and the whole family in high spirits, running around her trying to contain the damage. Keep in mind that this bit, much like the rest of life isn’t coming back. For me that means I needed to take more photos and videos.
And I hope to rewind those videos, sometime in the future, to see myself become a mother and our couple become a family
Now on to some tactical hacks, which are not as reflective or philosophical but downright practical.
Breastfeeding tip 1: Breastfeeding is a complex beast. I haven’t fully figured it out myself, but three key learnings and therefore, tips would be to invest in nipple cream and nipple relief gel pads. The first week or two are excruciating as your nipple gets chapped, even bleeds, when you feed. The cream and pads have helped me greatly reduce the pain to enable feeding every 2 hours or so. It 100% gets better with time as new skin comes in and somehow gets stretchier, so this is a temporary need.
Breastfeeding tip 2: Your milk supply waxes and wanes during the day/night. It is highest between 2am to 11am ish and reduces greatly by evening. So be kind to yourself if you feel like sometimes you don’t have enough, and importantly, store for a rainy day by pumping in the morning. Keep in mind 4-4-4 rule. Breast milk expires after 4 hours at room temp, 4 days in a fridge, 4 months frozen.
Breastfeeding tip 3: Learn and practice multiple feeding positions. Invest in a lactation consultant, if you need. As your milk supply changes and your baby grows, you need an arsenal of latching techniques, feeding positions and sheer will power for it to work for you and baby. Don’t stop experimenting and don’t stop trying, like anything else both of you are learning to dance together. It might take a bit.
Pumping tip: The modes on your pump are very important. Experiment with them to most closely imitate how your baby feels. Usually, the massage mode with increasingly higher power (not high enough to hurt you) should drain you. Ideally to keep your milk supply up, pump the exact number of times she bottlefeeds.
Diapering tip: Invest in a diaper changing station and Diaper genie. Really helps keep the carpet from becoming a mess. I mean it will still be a mess the first 2 times, but it will get better. Bonus tip: Don’t change the diaper for a couple of minutes after you hear the poop. This is a trap. Fold her knees and try to get some more out before your open quarantine. She knows you’re new to this and taking advantage of you suckers. You’re warned.
Doctor visit tips: Try feeding the baby before you leave, but wear something that lets you feed her at the clinic (or take a bottle). Neonatal clinics are very welcoming of breastfeeding, even in front of the doctor and nurses during checkups. Carry extra diapers and wipes. Dress the baby in something that comes off easily.
Car seat tips: Invest in a lighter carseat and a reducer cushion. A newborn is too small for most carseats, so if your carseat does not have a reducer cushion get one for the first ride back home and first couple of doctor visits. And watch the carseat installation and reducer cushion tutorial before you have the baby.
Alright people, duty calls for mumma! Hope this has been helpful or in the very least an interesting insight into a singular postpartum journey!
Thoughts on the edge 